Hammocks, Fish & Sunset Drinks - Thailand

Phnom Penh, Cambodia 9/3/04

Half an hour ago I nearly killed a child.

The child, no more than 5 years old ran up to greet me as we pulled up at one of our local guide’s house for dinner. Eleven of us went out to the suburbs of Phnom Penh to have a bang up dinner and I nearly bought a whole world of pain on not only a tiny little girl but on a loving family and then probably myself and every westerner who ventured forth into that neighbourhood.

Ranh, the guide is off work after having a motorcycle accident with his little daughter on board. Both of them got banged up pretty badly so as a goodwill gesture and to bring the family money we arranged to have dinner at his house, a home that has 42 residents all related. As we pulled up in 3 tuk tuks the little girl ran to me. I scooped her up with the intention of throwing her in the air but as I did she jumped off the ground with more spring than the most agile of frogs. She must have weighed 10kgs at the most and as I flung her skyward she flew out of my hands and over my head. I managed to grab her singlet by the strap and as she was plummeting to the hard baked dust I somehow grabbed her wrist and twisted like a limbo dancer and landed her on her feet. She, none the wiser that she was so close to multiple contusions, broken limbs and smashed teeth. Me, on the other hand and some of my passengers realised how close she was to “buying the farm” and my heart was banging away harder than the kick drum in a death metal band.

Part 2 Completely Non Related

Southern Thailand an amazing place full of smiley happy people stunning limestone scenery lush forests teeming with all manner of wildlife and how could one leave out the amazing beaches?

Of course you have seen all these parts of Thailand before. Probably on a travel show or in a coffee table book you perused with no intention of buying in the bookstore in St.Kilda. The one with the comfy seats and always playing good music. Sadly for you youngsters reading this, or maybe you are a parent reading this on behalf of your small child’s inability to form sentences due to the fact he/she is only but a few months old, the bookstore I write about with so much fondness is no longer pressed firmly into the wonder bra of St.Kilda’s bosom but now has rebirthed in the thriving Metropolis’ nether regions like a belly button ring on a very, very, very fat girl.

Thailand looks great when postcards arrive from your friends. You can’t help but feel envious knowing they are doing nothing but lazing in a hammock or snorkelling the azure waters playfully pretending there are characters from Finding Nemo swimming by. It's picturesque and everything a beach holiday should be. But for the unwary, the ill prepared Thailand can be full of traps and pitfalls, a place where danger lurks in every twist and turn.

We travelled to a lake near Khao Sok National Park to stay in floating raft houses to spend a couple of days swimming and going for walks in the surrounding forest. But the accommodation though seeming to be idyllic was somewhat lacking in architectural integrity. I reckon if you look up the definition of the word “floor” it would say something “like supporting area for standing on” but I have found that my Thai is really no good because what they meant was “faw” and that was the sound you make when falling through it.

Have you ever been eaten by a dwelling?  

Hornbills are rare and we saw 2. Monkeys aren’t so rare so we saw lots. My steak wasn’t rare it was charcoal. I’m pretty sure King Cobras are rare but we saw one that looked like an angry black fire hose. Actually nothing like a fire hose at all more like, well exactly like a snake. The first I knew of our impending doom was the girl in front of me screaming, turning and running past me like she’d seen something frightening when all it was was a lil ol snakey poo. Then I saw it.  Well how could I miss it? It was taking up all the visible surrounding horizon! But lets face it I’m an Aussie bloke and this Sheila just up and panicked. Strewth. You reckon that’s big you should see…never mind. But it was big and it was black and I can remember the time when sitting at the Potter’s house in Mt.Eliza and a tiny snake came under the front door and I said to Jeff ,“I’ll get it.”

Jeff then made comment along the lines that "If that bites you, it’s gonna be like having 2 nails driven into you, then the poison will kick in.”

Seeing he was scared I didn’t want to embarrass him so I think we ended up shooting it with chewed up paper from Jeff’s air rifle to subdue it before encapsulating the horror in a salad drainer. But Jeff where were you when there is a really big snake eh? Not in bloody Thailand that's for sure. I couldn’t find you and I went looking. You weren’t in the boat and you weren’t back at the Rafthouses and then I remembered I was in charge of a tour and had to take control. Sure, by the time I made it back to where the group stood mortified some hours later the snake had gone but I had to have a lie down in my hammock and contemplate the best plan of escape. Anyway, people have paid for adventure and excitement haven’t they? It's best I didn't interfere.

So, I let that one go.

“Be free my serpentine pal,” I hissed after him “and good luck to you and all your reptilian brethren.”

Phew, we got through that with no residual horror -  that is until 2 days had passed.

The following day some of us paddled down a small creek in kayaks on a hot Thai morn to spy the still slumbering snakes in the trees above the river. We gawked at Green Mangrove snakes coiled in the forks of trees and we even saw a python having a kip. Well, he was having a kip until the local boat guys decided to heave rocks at him and this was bad for so many reasons but the main one being that I was directly beneath. Not only was I in immense peril because it was kinda likely that this snake was gonna fall in the boat with me, which I would then have to vacate promptly but also because these Thai cowboys weren’t very good "piffers" of the “yonnie” and were more likely to scone me, then drop the snake on my unconscious form making it so much easier for the reptile to swallow me whole.

I can see the headline “Snake eats Farang and kayak…sorry.”

But we escaped again but the numbers weren’t stacking up in our favour.

I gathered my flock and we boarded the Thai version of a taxi and headed off for the coast. Here we were to spy the shy Dugong. We spied none at all, that’s how shy they are. But off we sped across the water to Koh Mok a sleepy tranquil setting frequented by the hippy, the traveller and the slovenly. A place of gorgeous sunsets, beach massages and a plethora of different sea foods. By now you are probably thinking, “That sounds alright, I reckon I could hang out there for a bit.” but you don’t know the horror than can permeate even the most tranquil of surfaces.

Remember:- Still waters run deep. Hot water runs out.

Imagine yourself, if you can, reclining on your bed during the heat of the afternoon. Maybe you aren’t feeling crash hot because the boat journey turned your stomach, so in your bungalow you are flaked out melting into the mattress when lo and behold you hear something that seems out of the usual. Without a second thought you sit up on your bed and find gazing straight back at you a cobra. Not a king cobra more like your middle class one but nonetheless he’s up, the hood is open for business and the tongue is tasting every part of your terror.

What would you do?

Call for help?

Correct.

The chap from the next hut, a South African I’ll have you know, came to the damsels rescue brandishing what was later described as a twig. Realising he’d bought a knife to a gunfight he ran to get the local cavalry who arrived enmasse. Their pounding feet sent the snake scarpering and he disappeared into the bathroom which was certainly a grim place but now it was populated by a frightened angry snake and no one ventured in, the door was pulled closed belongings scooped up and a hasty retreat was had.

Unfortunately, I missed all this as I was having a massage at the beach at the time.

So why not come to Southern Thailand? A place of magic and wonder. A paradise on earth a jewel in the crown of South East Asia? But don’t step out of your bungalow bill, coz it’s a jungle out there!

And if the accommodation don’t kill you, the wildlife will.

This has been Adam Martin reporting in from Bangkok.

Fangs for reading

29/3/04 Viengtai, Bangkok.