Phet and the Asian Sunbears

A story from way back in 2003

Something fur everybody.

An odyssey through South East Asia and China where I am but the facilitator on your journey of discovery. A journey amongst animals, from the islands to the jungles from the cities to the streets.

Come, join me as we embark on a sensory overload and soak in the sights and sounds that are the rich tapestry that makes these places wonderful.

Perception is personal.

"Do we get to see much wildlife on these trips?"

A reasonable question.

The short answer is "no". 

But you will see animals and some of them rare and exotic. Unfortunately they are either on the menu and often turned into wine.

A few weeks back I found myself with some time off. Being in Thailand and having a friend coming over a tough decision had to be made. Stay in Bangkok for 2 weeks or go south to an island. Who would have thought I would end up on some fantastic tropical isle, where there was little to do other than swing in my hammock reading or ply the seas in my very own version of freestyle? My freestyle is a lot freer than say - Ian Thorpe’s. As a matter of fact my style of swimming is particularly suited to island life. It's lazy, non taxing and done in a very leisurely fashion. I go nowhere and that saves me a long walk back.

What else can you do on a tropical island? Drink fruit-shakes, eat banana pancakes, enjoy a sunset beer or two.

Then one day as I was reading and swinging and I thought I heard a shot and something go whistling past me. Mildly concerned i did nothing. But later we noticed the guys that ran the bungalows were packing "heat" and they were quite keen on shooting something, something in a coconut palm, something alive. Unfortunately this was bad for us as they moved around the tree taking it in turns to exterminate with "extreme jocularity" the creature within but that didn't auger well for us innocent civilians. These blokes had no problems plugging away with no clue as to where the lead was flying and evasive action was taken. I swung/swang/swanged faster.

But what was the cause of this mayhem? Nothing but a gecko. Not one of the tiny ones but the blue tongued lizard sized creatures. The ones that announce who they are by calling "GECK-oooooo." Usually bug eating friends, this one was singled out for death because it had allegedly bitten a dog on the nose. This took place when one guy had thrust the gecko into the dogs face something that neither were too keen on.  The dog sniffed the gecko the gecko bit the dogs bugle and then fled the scene into the palm to hide amongst fronds but to no avail. The hunters discovered his hideout and gunned him down mercilessly. The end result? The gecko Bonnie and Clyde...died.

The previous evening I went for a late night swim and watched fire flies and swum in the phosphorescent waters a truly magic experience.

Ain't life grand!? Not if you're a dog biting gecko however.

A few days later and there we were in another animal environment but this time it was all good. Matty Richardson would have been proud. Why? Well there were no goal posts for him to kick between and we surrounded by tigers. Big stripy ones. Furry. Paws the sizes of dinner plates. (Have dinner plates become a unit of measure yet? ie:The giant squid has eyes the size of dinner plates. The tarantula that lurked in it's hideout was the size of a dinner plate etc)

These tigers though were not orangey and stripey but more creamy and stripey and very very large. They were also roaming freely. Kind of surreal to walk into a quarry area and see half a dozen very big cats lounging around and one being wrestled by a monk. The monks were the security. The monks had sticks. There was about one monk per tiger. Tigers have very large teeth. Tigers are carnivores. Tigers have claws. Tigers eat people. But we had monks with sticks! So there we are sitting near a very big pootty kat and if you wanted to, you could go over and have your picture taken with kitty. No one who did that looked overly comfortable. In the background cats stretched and monks wrestled them. Monks sat on them and tourists took photos. Truly amazing. Tigers are incredible animals, Matty Richardson is a bozzo. Maybe monks with sticks should go to work on him.

After this experience we wandered off to cuddle tiger cubs. Grumpy growly little bundles of joy that were so cute that I tried to stuff one in my day pack with visions of it growing up to be my loyal friend and protector. Just call me Tony Montana from now on. No don't, coz I didn't get away with my cunning plan as i was attacked by monks with sticks.

Bloody Buddhists.

Dogs in Bangkok don't look so good. Dogs in Hanoi look good enough to eat...so they do. I saw a truck with about 100 yellow dogs grinding it's way up Hai Van Pass on their way to a dinner date. It's unpleasant but just part of the culture i s'pose.

Dog tastes like goat. Oh, poor goat.

Snakes make great wine. Now, I don't mean there are stills around the place where a bunch of college jock snakes are hangin' out, knocking up a batch of moonshine nor do I mean there are large vats of grapes being squashed by snakes and turned into a fine cabernet. For one thing snakes HAVE NO FEET AND THEREFORE CAN'T CRUSH THE GRAPES! Sure you can use boas and pythons but it is going to be a lengthy process and quite unprofitable.

No, what I mean is that a jar of rice wine contains an odd number of snakes and the more venomous the better. The idea is their potency makes a man "strong like buffalo." Therefore, good for man and really good for woman. Not good for Sammy Snake however. But why stop at snake wine when you can have porcupine intestine wine, bird wine deer wine, embryo wine, monkey wine or sunbear wine?

Unfortunately still unavailable in casks.

The Chinese have a lot to answer for. If it's live it's edible. If it's endangered it's a medicine or an aphrodisiac. Anything is good for the Chinese everything except cannibalism which probably would be good for China. Two weeks ago whilst wandering around Ninh Binh I was nuzzled by a puppy. The puppy then led me to a shop, outside the shop was a cage. In the cage was a fully grown Asian Sunbear, a bear that is about the size of John Elliot and bearing a similar sized hooter. Big and black with a crescent of white on the chest they have become very rare in the wild. This one was in a cage big enough for it to stand in and that was it's only luxury. Apparently it was only a matter of time until the owners sold him to some Chinese bastard.

Then, back a few days ago there were the monkeys around Angkor Thom out in the Temple Complex grounds in Cambodia. A large troupe were by the roadside, babies on Mum's back, juveniles wrestling and falling out of trees and big males trying to get handouts from Japanese tourists. Maybe, people think because monkeys have some similar traits to humans that they might be reasonable fun lovin' primates that are just dying to have their pictures taken rather than the vicious opportunists they can be. The monkeys won that encounter. In the blink of an eye a big fellow screamed and grabbed a woman's bag, bolted straight up a tree and started emptying the contents for what looked more like fun than profit. But she took the whole encounter stoically and i am sure they will have an interesting humorous story to go with the myriad of pictures when they get home.

Now I am in China and I take back everything I said previously. Only because I have to email this and I don't want 1.3 billion folk pissed off especially as all of them know martial arts. But here I have been astounded by the all new ways you can utilize animals. In Yangshou, China I watched as cormorants are used to catch fish. Basically a fellow with a boat with a large flood light attached off the bow, motors up the river a gaggle of cormorants waiting impatiently on the prow. He then launches his winged fishing friends into the water. The light attracts small bugs which in turn attracts small fish. The birds swim along and dive for them. When they surface the boatman scoops them out of the water on a bamboo pole and then well, throttles the bird so it regurgitates it's catch. Sometimes they get to eat their catch but usually they just get throttled. I have a very nice picture of me with a wet fishy cormorant perched on my arm.

Yesterday I ate a meal that consisted of wasp sized bees and their larvae. I was very hungry and it wasn't at all bad. Sorta crunchy and sweet. I was very hungry and had a choice of bees or pigs feet and i wasn't that hungry. Have you seen how pigs live?

Exactly like pigs.

Speaking of pigs, this morning I saw a fully grown live pig trussed up on a pole carried by two guys on it's way to lunch. The Asians are so caring. Would you take your pet out for lunch?

Later that day we marvelled at a bit of electrical fishing. A venture that could cause the fisherman potential harm and therefore at least makes it a sport. A guy was wandering around a shallow river with a large battery attached to his back and a wand like device. The idea being that when you find yourself in the vicinity of a potential catch you zap the water 2 metres ahead of you which hopefully stuns the fish and then quick as you like, you nab it and sling it into a basket. Somewhere, I know there was Darwin award when this went horribly wrong. We also witnessed young fellas diving into a river and just grabbing fish in their bare hands. I was amazed. The fish were a pretty good size too and were live and flapping when held triumphantly out of the water. It was about an hour later we saw the trick. Chemicals were being poured into the river upstream which makes them a little bit groggy, incoherent and therefore easy prey (the fish that is not the fisherfolk but then again they seemed a bit dopey too). I asked one fish about it's experience but got a glazed look and no response. I realised later that I was speaking English not Mandarin. Sheesh, I am so stupid sometimes!

Animals don't have a chance in this neck of the woods.

So, if you believe in re-incarnation prey you come back as my Mum's cat. You'll be pampered, well fed and much loved. You will die of old age and be mourned ever-after, a sorely missed member of the family.

Be kind to animals I say. Love them, nurture them and they will become your loyal friend. Remember a pet is not just for Christmas it's for life. Unless you're in Asia where it's for breakfast, lunch and dinner!


30/Aug/03